this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
