On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
