3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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