I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
