Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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