Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
