are you so shy because you have an std?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
