By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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