I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
