textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
