Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
