My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
