I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
