You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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