I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
