Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
