he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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