She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
