Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
