perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
