Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
