very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
