The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
