you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
