i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
