There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
