I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
