Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
