I'm going to jail i love you
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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