Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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