Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
