i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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