why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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