I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
