FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Less talking, more tequila
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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