bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
