i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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