How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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