I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
