I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
