I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
