Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
