She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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