Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
