Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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