i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
