genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
