How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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