just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
