Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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