just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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