I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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