I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
