if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
