my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
